### PKICKS.IRC by Vassago for use with PhoEniX Version 2.13. EVAL if ([$ex] == []) {^assign ex [E^/X]} EVAL if ([$pk] == []) {^assign pk | PhoEniX |} EVAL echo $ex Loading Vassago's PKICKS.IRC Scatterkick script... EVAL echo $ex With mods by skullY to kick through AlcServ EVAL echo $ex PKICKS commands: EVAL echo $ex ^/ASK#(1-81) (nick) - Scatterkicks . Use #'s 1-81. EVAL echo $ex ^/ARANSK (nick) - Picks a random skatterkick from 1-81 for . ^assign numsk 81 alias aransk { ^assign skick $rand($numsk) @ skick = skick + 1 ^/alcsay Spinning the Wheel of Fate... It lands on Splatterkick $skick! ^/ask$skick $0 } alias avsk {^/msg AlcServ $alcpass KICK $C $0 $pk} alias ask1 { ^/msg AlcServ $alcpass quote :AlcServ PRIVMSG $C :ACTION hates flooders! ^/msg AlcServ $alcpass quote :AlcServ PRIVMSG $C :ACTION takes $0 by the balls and throws him out of $C! ^/avsk $0 } alias ask2 { ^/msg AlcServ $alcpass quote :AlcServ PRIVMSG $C :ACTION follows $0 to a party one night.... ^/msg AlcServ $alcpass quote :AlcServ PRIVMSG $C :ACTION waits until $0 goes inside and then breaks into his car.... ^/msg AlcServ $alcpass quote :AlcServ PRIVMSG $C :ACTION exchanges $0's MegaDeth CD with the new Enigma CD ^/alcsay Later that night, $0 decides to crank so tunes on his drive home... ^/alcsay $0 falls asleep at the wheel and plows into an Exxon Truck.... ^/avsk $0 ^/alcsay BOOM!@!@!@!! } alias ask3 { ^/msg AlcServ $alcpass quote :AlcServ PRIVMSG $C :ACTION smells something bad.. ^/msg AlcServ $alcpass quote :AlcServ PRIVMSG $C :ACTION looks at $0... ^/avsk $0 ^/alcsay the smell is gone! } alias ask4 { ^/msg AlcServ $alcpass quote :AlcServ PRIVMSG $C :ACTION notices that $0 is idling.. ^/msg AlcServ $alcpass quote :AlcServ PRIVMSG $C :ACTION decides to get rid of him ^/msg AlcServ $alcpass quote :AlcServ PRIVMSG $C :ACTION picks up $0 and throw him out of $C ^/avsk $0 ^/alcsay Problem solved! } alias ask5 { ^/msg AlcServ $alcpass quote :AlcServ PRIVMSG $C :ACTION gags $0 and stuffs him in a Cow suit, then tosses him into a corral with a horny bull. <> ^/avsk $0 } alias ask6 {;alcsay it's April, the season of growing, and the fucking weeds are popping up everywhere;alcme spots a weed in $C;alcme calls the Orkin man;alcme sees the Orkin man spray $0;avsk $0;alcsay psssttzz.., the weed is gone;alcme mails $0 the bill. } alias ask7 {;alcme intercepte la balle, drible et shoot!;avsk $0;wait;alcme s'ecrit: Buuuuuuuuuuuuut !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! } alias ask8 {;alcme kicks $0 in the chest...**Kaiaaaaa;^/avsk $0} alias ask9 {;alcme smashes $0's head with a baseball bat *BOK*#!!;avsk $0;wait;^/msg AlcServ $alcpass quote :AlcServ PRIVMSG $C :ACTION wipes the blood off the bat on $0's hair.} alias ask10 {;alcme pulls down the switch to the electric chair;avsk $0;wait;alcme makes an omelette with $0's brains.} alias ask11 { alcme dons his priestly garb. alcme dispatches $0's soul on its way to the pearly gates. avsk $0 alcsay Dominus omis. } alias ask12 { alcme grabs $0 by the hair and jams him face first into the toilet... alcme does the royal flush. avsk $0 alcsay ba-WHOOOOOOOSH! } alias ask13 { alcme throws $0 carelessly to the floor. alcme does the moonwalk up and down $0's ass. avsk $0 } alias ask14 { alcsay $0, yerrr OUTTA here, pal! alcme grabs $0 by the balls and heaves him into the void. avsk $0 msg alcserv $alcpass quote :AlcServ TOPIC $C :$0: Stay the fuck out! } alias ask15 { alcsay ENEMAI OFT MI CHAR N DYE! alcme casts a Fireball that goes streaking across the channel at $0 alcme watches as $0's corporeal form is devoured in flame! avsk $0 } alias ask16 { alcme pulls out his portable chalkboard. alcme shows $0 the function of relativity for chaos mathematics. alcme watches as $0's brain shorts out with a puff of putrid smoke! avsk $0 } alias ask17 { alcsay $0 - what is your real name? alcsay $0 - what is your quest? alcsay $0 - what's the average air speed of a coconut laden swallow? avsk $0 alcsay I guess he didn't know! } alias ask18 { alcme waves his hands and turns into Michael Jordan for a instant. alcsay $0 give alcme those Nike's! alcme leaves a court shoe print across $0's face. avsk $0 } alias ask19 { alcme casts Otto's Irresistible Dance on $0. alcme then casts Tasha's Uncontrollable Hideous Laughter on $0. alcme watches as $0 laughs and dances off the channel. avsk $0 } alias ask20 { alcme grabs $0's tongue and pulls it wayyyyy out. alcme takes out locking ring and loops it through $0's tongue. alcme then fastens the ring to a Lotus Esprit and drives off. avsk $0 } alias ask21 { alcme becomes bored with $0, cranks some tunes. alcme takes a dancing flower and shoves it up $0's ass! alcme watches as $0 goes through several interesting convulsions. avsk $0 } alias ask22 { alcme looks to his left...then to his right. alcme takes out a little black bag and points it at $0 alcme watches as $0 is attacked by a mob of pirhana clams!!! avsk $0 } alias ask23 { alcme notes $0 has been poisoned!!!!! alcsay hmmmm odorless.... tasteless..... hmmmmmm alcsay aha! Iocane powder !!! avsk $0 } alias ask24 { alcsay ENEMAI OFT MI SPIRU CRIE!!! alcme invokes $0's worst nightmare from $0's mind. alcme watches as $0 is devoured by $0's Rosanne Barr. avsk $0 } alias ask25 { alcme decides to use calculus on $0. alcme takes the second derivative of $0. alcme is astonished... he has just disproved $0's existence!!! avsk $0 } alias ask26 { alcme reaches into one of his many pockets. alcme draws forth a wand with an emerald tip. alcme points the wand at $0 and utters arcane words of power... avsk $0 } alias ask27 { alcme waves at $0 with complex motions and changes his appearance. alcme turns $0 into a really cool purple lamp shade with pink polka dots. alcsay NOT avsk $0 } alias ask28 { alcsay Ha $0, so you think yourself my equal...hmmm... alcsay But I have something I must tell you... alcsay You see $0, I am not left handed either. avsk $0 } alias ask29 { alcsay Pawn jumps $0. alcsay Bishop jumps $0. alcsay It's good to be the king. avsk $0 } alias ask30 { alcme dumps a can of gasoline on $0 alcme lights a match and tosses it. alcme laughs as $0 turns squirms and smokes to a blackened crisp. avsk $0 } alias ask31 { alcme opens a cannister of liquid nitrogen. alcme dumps it all over $0 alcme laughs $0 become stiff, then shatter into thousands of gleaming shards. avsk $0 } alias ask32 { alcme pulls out a bottle of hydrocloric acid. alcme splashes it in $0's face. alcme watches $0 as skin runs in rivulets from bone until only a pool remains. avsk $0 } alias ask33 { alcme prays to the Gods of IRC for assistance. alcme watches for a sign... alcme laughs as $0 is seared by lightning and torn asunder. avsk $0 } alias ask34 { alcme pulls out a finely engraved iron wrought long sword. alcme runs $0 through and waits until $0 stops gurgling. alcme then yanks the sword up through $0's spine, rib cage, and lungs. avsk $0 } alias ask35 { alcme prays silently to the IRC Gods for assistance. alcme watches the skies for a sign... alcme laughs as the ground beneath $0 shakes and splits open engulfing $0. avsk $0 } alias ask36 { alcme calls upon the Daemon Primarch Mortarion to answer his summons. alcsay now $0 feel the wrath of the Prince of Plagues. alcme watches as $0 dissolves into a mass of blisters and bleeding scars. avsk $0 } alias ask37 { alcme grabs $0 by the neck and props $0's mouth open. alcme stuffs large quantities of frozen ice cream bars down $0's throat. alcme sets $0 off to the side to admire his new full size PEZ distributor... avsk $0 } alias ask38 { alcme grabs $0 by the neck and hooks $0's upper jaw over his thumb. alcme takes careful aim while stretching $0 wayyy out... alcme releases $0... *twang* avsk $0 } alias ask39 { alcme grabs $0 by the right nostril and pulls it wayyy out... alcme looks around for a suitable implement of devise for $0... alcme grabs a running chainsaw and stuffs it up $0's right nostril... avsk $0 } alias ask40 { alcme becomes a magical conduit between the Prime and Negative Material Planes... alcme then touches $0, draining $0's life essence away... alcsay What life? He's on irc all the damn time! avsk $0 } alias ask41 { alcme pulls a small, deadly vial from his pocket. alcme breaks the vial over $0's head... alcme laughs as $0 suddenly turns into MiSTiK! avsk $0 msg AlcServ $alcpass quote :AlcServ topic $C :$0: Stay the FUCK OUT!! } alias ask42 { ;alcme pulls out a sharp battle axe and slices off $0's head..;alcme watches the head roll to the floor, covering $C with blood..;alcme slings the axe over his shoulder and laughs with murderous glee!;avsk $0} alias ask43 { ;alcme 'accidentally' bumps into $0 on the observation deck at the Empire State Building....;alcme laughs as he watches $0 go for the plunge....;avsk $0} alias ask44 { ;alcme searches for a small explosive...;alcme finds a half stick of dynamite...;alcme blows $0's ass out of the known world...;alcme wishes $0 pleasant dreams and a happy tomorrow...;avsk $0} alias ask45 { ;alcme puts $0 into an electric chair and throws the switch.....;avsk $0} alias ask46 { ;alcme tosses $0 into a microwave oven and sets the dial on 'HIGH'....;avsk $0} alias ask47 { ;alcme picks up a cordless-drill with a paint-stripper...;alcme decides that $0 could REALLY use an enema...;avsk $0} alias ask48 { ;alcme ties a rope around the neck of $0 and places him over the trap-door...;avsk $0} alias ask49 { ;alcme *** LAMER PROTECTION ENGAGED ***;alcme Weeeeeeep! Weeeeeeep! Weeeeeeeeep!;alcme Lamer spotted!! Lowering targets on the lamer!;^/MSG $0 Tag, your it!;avsk $0} alias ask50 { ;alcme loads a laser guided AARM-32b smartbomb into the F-16E.;alcme watches as the sights level on $0.;^/msg $C look out below!;alcme watches as the bomb hits $0 and pounds him 20ft into the ground.;avsk $0} alias ask51 { ;alcme pulls the scalp off of $0.;alcme eats the scalp;^/msg $C Mmmmm! finger lickin' good!!;avsk $0} alias ask52 { alcme raises his arms to the sky and feels energy flow into his veins. alcme points his finger at $0... alcme opens his hands and releases the energy at $0 alcsay Zot!!! ^/avsk $0 alcme loves the smell of burnt flesh. HaHaHa } alias ask53 { alcme approaches $0's swaying body. alcme takes hold of $0's neck. alcme removes $0's head and spine from it's body. alcsay Rrrrrriiiiiiipppp!!! alcme turns $0's head to show $0 the lifeless body. ^/avsk $0 alcme proclaims $0's body has been relieved of a useless alcmember. HaHaHa } alias ask54 { alcme removes his mask revealing his skull. alcme lets forth a stream of fire upon $0's swaying body. alcsay $0 is engulfed by hellish flames. alcsay *Fwosh* ^/avsk $0 alcme proclaims "I love the smell of a fresh barbeque." HaHaHa } alias ask55 { alcme approaches $0's fear paralyzed body. alcme thrusts his hand into $0's chest. alcsay $0's rib cage is seperated. alcsay C-rrrrrraaaaaaaa-KK alcme withdraws the still beating heart and shows it to $0. ^/avsk $0 alcsay Here $0, have a heart. HaHaHa } alias ask56 { #^msg AlcServ $alcpass quote :AlcServ NICK _Sonya_ ^msg AlcServ $alcpass user CREATE _Sonya_ sonya mortal.kombat i I don't exist, go away ^msg AlcServ $alcpass quote :_Sonya_ JOIN $C ^msg AlcServ $alcpass quote :_Sonya_ PRIVMSG $C :ACTION gazes upon your quaking body. ^msg AlcServ $alcpass quote :_Sonya_ PRIVMSG $C :ACTION undress you with her eyes and moves her hand to her lips. ^msg AlcServ $alcpass quote :_Sonya_ $C :ACTION blows you a kiss which takes the shape of a flaming ball. ^msg AlcServ $alcpass quote :_Sonya_ PRIVMSG $C :$0's body is consumed by the "Flames of Lust." ^msg AlcServ $alcpass quote :_Sonya_ KICK $C $0 :$pk ^msg AlcServ $alcpass quote :_Sonya_ PRIVMSG $C :I lose more good lovers that way. HeHeHe ^msg AlcServ $alcpass quote :_Sonya_ QUIT :My work here is done } alias ask57 { ^alcme after executing a devastating flying kick, $0's body sways. ^alcme approaches $0 and glances at his target. ^alcme hurls himself through the air, cartwheeling towards $0. ^alcme swings his harm and makes shattering contact with $0's jaw. ^alcsay Crrrrruuuunnnn-ch ^/avsk $0 ^alcsay K.O. Liu Kang. HaHaHa } alias ask58 { alcme looks into $0's eyes. alcme approaches $0 with lightning speed. alcme pauses to look one last time at $0 panic stricken face. alcsay THOCK alcme punches $0 head from $0's neck with inhuman strength. ^/avsk $0 alcsay $0 has lost their head. HaHaHa } alias ask59 { alcme puts on his black hood. alcme escorts $0 to the guillotine. alcsay Any final requests before the blade drops? alcsay No ? Good! ^/avsk $0 alcsay -CHOP!- } alias ask60 { alcme spits out a wad of chewing tobacco alcsay *pbpbth* alcsay Listen $0, we don't like yer kind around here... alcsay so git on out er we'll throw yuh out! ^/avsk $0 alcsay GIT OUT !! } ^/ALIAS SK61 alcme decides to get REALLY liquored up!;alcme grabs a shotgun and takes pot shots at passing clouds.;alcme is waaayyyy too drunk, though, and starts taking out other objects in his vicinity.;msg alcserv $alcpass kick $C $0 Blam! Blam! Blam! Whoops! Oh well...Blam! ^/ALIAS SK62 alcme grabs $0 by his little dick.;alcme pulls hard and swings $0 around the channel.;alcme swings faster until $0 's dick snaps off.;alcme watches as $0 flies off the channel.;/msg alcserv $alcpass kick $C $0 Forgot your mushroom cap! ^/ALIAS SK63 alcme and $0 are waiting at the bus stop.;alcme watches as the bus approaches...;alcme nudges $0 out into traffic before the bus can stop.;/msg alcserv $alcpass kick $C $0 You gonna eat this lunch? ^/ALIAS SK64 { alcme hates violence.;alcme hates violent people, too.;alcme thinks that $0 is too violent.;alcme grabs $0 by the neck and lifts $0 off the ground.;alcme shoves his fist through $0 's midsection. alcme head-butts his surprised face before dropping $0 to the floor.;^/msg alcserv $alcpass kick $C $0 I'm a nice guy, really. } ^/ALIAS SK65 { alcme decides to build a fire.;alcme takes the first dead wood he sees and throws $0 in the pit.;alcme covers $0 with gasoline and strikes a match.;alcme doesn't seem to hear $0 squealing like a pig for alcmercy as he drops the match. ^/msg alcserv $alcpass kick $C $0 Poof! Hmm... Charbroil! My favorite! } ^/ALIAS SK66 alcme looks bored.;alcme decides to interest himself by mangling $0.;alcme shoves his fist into $0 's chest and pulls out a handful of capillaries.;alcme begins knitting a sweater.;/msg alcserv $alcpass kick $C $0 Knit One, Pearl Two.... alias ask67 { alcme takes out a bloodstained axe and acquires an evil grin alcsay >:)=) alcme lifts the axe high above $0's head... ^/avsk $0 alcsay C*H*O*P*! - Heh heh heh! } ^/ALIAS ask68 alcme suggests that $0 do his Kurt Cobain impression.;alcme watches as $0 props a shotgun to his mouth and blows his brains out.;alcme waits for three days before an electrician finds $0 and throws him out.;/msg alcserv $alcpass kick $C $0 That's not teen spirit you smell..... ^/ALIAS ask69 alcme wonders how well $0 would work as a conductor.;alcme ties $0 to the base of a lightning rod.;alcme is pleased as a storm starts brewing and lightning strikes the rod.;alcme takes notes as $0 's nervous system becomes a superconductor.;/msg alcserv $alcpass kick $C $0 For the good of science, not you. ^/ALIAS ask70 alcme wonders where $0 really came from.;alcme does a smathering of research, only to discover that the best part of $0 ran down some whore's leg.;/msg alcserv $alcpass kick $C $0 We can always try again later, honey. ^/ALIAS ask71 alcme thinks $0 whines too much.;alcme thinks $0 does more whining than Gallo.;alcme suggests $0 go visit California to be with the other cheap whines.;/msg alcserv $alcpass kick $C $0 I hate whine... ^/ALIAS ask72 alcme smells something terrible.;alcme figures out that it's $0 who smells like a dead elephant on a hot summer's day.;alcme decides to send $0 to the cleaners.;/msg alcserv $alcpass kick $C $0 Put it on my tab. ^/ALIAS ask73 alcme watches too much Mr. Wizard.;alcme decides to try an experiment.;alcsay Now $0 you hold this putty, while I hook up these wires....;alcme feigns shock as $0 's ass is blown into next week.;/msg alcserv $alcpass kick $C $0 For my next experiment.... ^/ALIAS ask74 alcme has always been fascinated by Don Herbert.;alcme wants to try an experiment with $0.;alcme wants to monitor the brain levels of a moron.;alcme frowns at the results.;/msg alcserv $alcpass kick $C $0 What was I thinking? Need a brain first. ^/ALIAS ask75 alcme tries to find where $0 beings and where $0 ends.;alcme notices the circle that $0 's body makes from neck, to ass, to neck again.;alcme has never seen a life-form on this low of the food chain.;/msg alcserv $alcpass kick $C $0 T'was a alcmercy killing. ^/ALIAS ask76 alcme looks over and sees $0 desperately trying to bend far enough to suck himself off.;alcme wonders why no one else has kicked him for such pathetic behavior.;alcme notices that no one else is paying attention to him.;/msg alcserv $alcpass kick $C $0 Try #jack-off! alias ask77 { ^//msg AlcServ $alcpass quote :AlcServ PRIVMSG $C :ACTION waves an ancient druid sceptre over $0 ^//msg AlcServ $alcpass quote :AlcServ PRIVMSG $C :ACTION chants "KLATU! VERATTA! NIKTU!" ^//msg AlcServ $alcpass quote :AlcServ PRIVMSG $C :ACTION waits as nothing happens ^//msg AlcServ $alcpass quote :AlcServ PRIVMSG $C :ACTION says "Fuck this" and busts the sceptre up $0's ass ^//msg alcserv $alcpass kick * $0 That's GOTTA hurt! } alias ask78 { ^//msg AlcServ $alcpass quote :AlcServ PRIVMSG $C :ACTION follows $0 to a party one night.... ^//msg AlcServ $alcpass quote :AlcServ PRIVMSG $C :ACTION waits until $0 goes inside and then breaks into his car.... ^//msg AlcServ $alcpass quote :AlcServ PRIVMSG $C :ACTION exchanges $0's MegaDeth CD with the new Enigma CD ^/alcsay Later that night, $0 decides to crank some tunes on his drive home... ^/alcsay $0 falls asleep at the wheel and plows into an Exxon Truck.... ^//msg alcserv $alcpass kick * $0 BOOM! } alias ask79 { ^//msg AlcServ $alcpass quote :AlcServ PRIVMSG $C :ACTION kicks $0 through a time warp.... ^/alcsay $0 lands at the Jim Jones incident.... ^/alcsay Jim Jones says "Hey $0! How about some PurpleSaurus Rex Kool Aid?" ^/alcsay $0 chugs a pitcher and says "damn, why is this stuff so good?" ^/alcsay Jim Jones says, "Well $0, it's either the nutrasweet or the cynanide!" ^//msg alcserv $alcpass kick * $0 DOH! } alias ask80 { ^//msg AlcServ $alcpass quote :AlcServ PRIVMSG $C :ACTION shows $0 a broomstick and some KY..... ^/alcsay Suddenly some cheap 70's porno film music comes on [BOOMP-CHICKA-BOOMP-BOWWWWW!] ^/alcsay $0 decides he'd prefer not to take chances and runs like fuck.... ^//msg alcserv $alcpass kick * $0 And don't let the door hit ya on the way out! } alias ask81 { ^//msg AlcServ $alcpass quote :AlcServ PRIVMSG $C :ACTION jumps through a time warp that has somehow manifested in his garage... ^//msg AlcServ $alcpass quote :AlcServ PRIVMSG $C :ACTION notices a bird fly by... ^//msg AlcServ $alcpass quote :AlcServ PRIVMSG $C :ACTION steps on a worm that the bird _should_ have gotten... ^/alcsay The bird sees an old man sitting on a rock next to the tree where his nest is. ^/alcsay The bird pecks the old man to death. ^/alcsay It just turns out that the old man is one of $0's ancestors... ^/alcsay Upon this paradox of the space/time continium, $0 pops out of existence... ^//msg alcserv $alcpass kick * $0 POOF! } EVAL ^/echo $ex PKICKS.IRC is now loaded.