### PKICKS.IRC by Vassago for use with PhoEniX Version 2.13. EVAL if ([$ex] == []) {^assign ex [E/X]} EVAL if ([$pk] == []) {^assign pk | PhoEniX |} EVAL echo $ex Loading Vassago's PKICKS.IRC Scatterkick script... EVAL echo $ex PKICKS commands: EVAL echo $ex /SK#(1-81) (nick) - Scatterkicks . Use #'s 1-81. EVAL echo $ex /RANSK (nick) - Picks a random skatterkick from 1-81 for . ^assign numsk 81 alias ransk { ^assign skick $rand($numsk) @ skick = skick + 1 /say Spinning the Wheel of Fate... It lands on Splatterkick $skick! /sk$skick $0 } alias vsk {/quote KICK $C $0 :$pk} alias sk1 { /me hates flooders! /me takes $0 by the balls and throws him out of $C! /vsk $0 } alias sk2 { /me follows $0 to a party one night.... /me waits until $0 goes inside and then breaks into his car.... /me exchanges $0's MegaDeth CD with the new Enigma CD /say Later that night, $0 decides to crank some tunes on his drive home... /say $0 falls asleep at the wheel and plows into an Exxon Truck.... /vsk $0 /say BOOM!@!@!@!! } alias sk3 { /me smells something bad.. /me looks at $0... /vsk $0 /say the smell is gone! } alias sk4 { /me notices that $0 is idling.. /me decides to get rid of him /me picks up $0 and throw him out of $C /vsk $0 /say Problem solved! } alias sk5 { /me gags $0 and stuffs him in a Cow suit, then tosses him into a corral with a horny bull. <> /vsk $0 } alias sk6 {;say it's April, the season of growing, and the fucking weeds are popping up everywhere;me spots a weed in $C;me calls the Orkin man;me sees the Orkin man spray $0;kick $C $0 $pk;say psssttzz.., the weed is gone;me mails $0 the bill. } alias sk7 {;me intercepte la balle, drible et shoot!;kick $C $0 $pk;wait;me s'ecrit: Buuuuuuuuuuuuut !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! } alias sk8 {;me kicks $0 in the chest...**Kaiaaaaa;/kick $C $0 $pk} alias sk9 {;me smashes $0's head with a baseball bat *BOK*#!!;kick $C $0 $pk;wait;/me wipes the blood off the bat on $0's hair.} alias sk10 {;me pulls down the switch to the electric chair;kick $C $0 $pk;wait;me makes an omelette with $0's brains.} alias sk11 { me dons his priestly garb. me dispatches $0's soul on its way to the pearly gates. kick $C $0 $pk say Dominus omis. } alias sk12 { me grabs $0 by the hair and jams him face first into the toilet... me does the royal flush. kick $C $0 $pk say ba-WHOOOOOOOSH! } alias sk13 { me throws $0 carelessly to the floor. me does the moonwalk up and down $0's ass. kick $C $0 $pk } alias sk14 { say $0, yerrr OUTTA here, pal! me grabs $0 by the balls and heaves him into the void. kick $C $0 $pk topic $C $0: Stay the fuck out! ban $0 } alias sk15 { say ENEMAI OFT MI CHAR N DYE! me casts a Fireball that goes streaking across the channel at $0 me watches as $0's corporeal form is devoured in flame! kick $C $0 $pk } alias sk16 { me pulls out his portable chalkboard. me shows $0 the function of relativity for chaos mathematics. me watches as $0's brain shorts out with a puff of putrid smoke! kick $C $0 $pk } alias sk17 { say $0 - what is your real name? say $0 - what is your quest? say $0 - what's the average air speed of a coconut laden swallow? kick $C $0 $pk say I guess he didn't know! } alias sk18 { me waves his hands and turns into Michael Jordan for a instant. say $0 give me those Nike's! me leaves a court shoe print across $0's face. kick $C $0 $pk } alias sk19 { me casts Otto's Irresistible Dance on $0. me then casts Tasha's Uncontrollable Hideous Laughter on $0. me watches as $0 laughs and dances off the channel. kick $C $0 $pk } alias sk20 { me grabs $0's tongue and pulls it wayyyyy out. me takes out locking ring and loops it through $0's tongue. me then fastens the ring to a Lotus Esprit and drives off. kick $C $0 $pk } alias sk21 { me becomes bored with $0, cranks some tunes. me takes a dancing flower and shoves it up $0's ass! me watches as $0 goes through several interesting convulsions. kick $C $0 $pk } alias sk22 { me looks to his left...then to his right. me takes out a little black bag and points it at $0 me watches as $0 is attacked by a mob of pirhana clams!!! kick $C $0 $pk } alias sk23 { me notes $0 has been poisoned!!!!! say hmmmm odorless.... tasteless..... hmmmmmm say aha! Iocane powder !!! kick $C $0 $pk } alias sk24 { say ENEMAI OFT MI SPIRU CRIE!!! me invokes $0's worst nightmare from $0's mind. me watches as $0 is devoured by $0's Rosanne Barr. kick $C $0 $pk } alias sk25 { me decides to use calculus on $0. me takes the second derivative of $0. me is astonished... he has just disproved $0's existence!!! kick $C $0 $pk } alias sk26 { me reaches into one of his many pockets. me draws forth a wand with an emerald tip. me points the wand at $0 and utters arcane words of power... kick $C $0 $pk } alias sk27 { me waves at $0 with complex motions and changes his appearance. me turns $0 into a really cool purple lamp shade with pink polka dots. say NOT kick $C $0 $pk } alias sk28 { say Ha $0, so you think yourself my equal...hmmm... say But I have something I must tell you... say You see $0, I am not left handed either. kick $C $0 $pk } alias sk29 { say Pawn jumps $0. say Bishop jumps $0. say It's good to be the king. kick $C $0 $pk } alias sk30 { me dumps a can of gasoline on $0 me lights a match and tosses it. me laughs as $0 turns squirms and smokes to a blackened crisp. kick $C $0 $pk } alias sk31 { me opens a cannister of liquid nitrogen. me dumps it all over $0 me laughs $0 become stiff, then shatter into thousands of gleaming shards. kick $C $0 $pk } alias sk32 { me pulls out a bottle of hydrocloric acid. me splashes it in $0's face. me watches $0 as skin runs in rivulets from bone until only a pool remains. kick $C $0 $pk } alias sk33 { me prays to the Gods of IRC for assistance. me watches for a sign... me laughs as $0 is seared by lightning and torn asunder. kick $C $0 $pk } alias sk34 { me pulls out a finely engraved iron wrought long sword. me runs $0 through and waits until $0 stops gurgling. me then yanks the sword up through $0's spine, rib cage, and lungs. kick $C $0 $pk } alias sk35 { me prays silently to the IRC Gods for assistance. me watches the skies for a sign... me laughs as the ground beneath $0 shakes and splits open engulfing $0. kick $C $0 $pk } alias sk36 { me calls upon the Daemon Primarch Mortarion to answer his summons. say now $0 feel the wrath of the Prince of Plagues. me watches as $0 dissolves into a mass of blisters and bleeding scars. kick $C $0 $pk } alias sk37 { me grabs $0 by the neck and props $0's mouth open. me stuffs large quantities of frozen ice cream bars down $0's throat. me sets $0 off to the side to admire his new full size PEZ distributor... kick $C $0 $pk } alias sk38 { me grabs $0 by the neck and hooks $0's upper jaw over his thumb. me takes careful aim while stretching $0 wayyy out... me releases $0... *twang* kick $C $0 $pk } alias sk39 { me grabs $0 by the right nostril and pulls it wayyy out... me looks around for a suitable implement of devise for $0... me grabs a running chainsaw and stuffs it up $0's right nostril... kick $C $0 $pk } alias sk40 { me becomes a magical conduit between the Prime and Negative Material Planes... me then touches $0, draining $0's life essence away... say What life? He's on irc all the damn time! kick $C $0 $pk } alias sk41 { me pulls a small, deadly vial from his pocket. me breaks the vial over $0's head... me laughs as $0 suddenly turns into MiSTiK! kick $C $0 $pk topic $C $0: Stay the FUCK OUT!! } alias sk42 { ;me pulls out a sharp battle axe and slices off $0's head..;me watches the head roll to the floor, covering $C with blood..;me slings the axe over his shoulder and laughs with murderous glee!;kick $C $0 $pk} alias sk43 { ;me 'accidentally' bumps into $0 on the observation deck at the Empire State Building....;me laughs as he watches $0 go for the plunge....;kick $C $0 $pk} alias sk44 { ;me searches for a small explosive...;me finds a half stick of dynamite...;me blows $0's ass out of the known world...;me wishes $0 pleasant dreams and a happy tomorrow...;kick $C $0 $pk} alias sk45 { ;me puts $0 into an electric chair and throws the switch.....;kick $C $0 $pk} alias sk46 { ;me tosses $0 into a microwave oven and sets the dial on 'HIGH'....;kick $C $0 $pk} alias sk47 { ;me picks up a cordless-drill with a paint-stripper...;me decides that $0 could REALLY use an enema...;kick $C $0 $pk} alias sk48 { ;me ties a rope around the neck of $0 and places him over the trap-door...;kick $C $0 $pk} alias sk49 { ;me *** LAMER PROTECTION ENGAGED ***;me Weeeeeeep! Weeeeeeep! Weeeeeeeeep!;me Lamer spotted!! Lowering targets on the lamer!;/MSG $0 Tag, your it!;kick $C $0 $pk} alias sk50 { ;me loads a laser guided AARM-32b smartbomb into the F-16E.;me watches as the sights level on $0.;/msg $C look out below!;me watches as the bomb hits $0 and pounds him 20ft into the ground.;kick $C $0 $pk} alias sk51 { ;me pulls the scalp off of $0.;me eats the scalp;/msg $C Mmmmm! finger lickin' good!!;kick $C $0 $pk} alias sk52 { me raises his arms to the sky and feels energy flow into his veins. me points his finger at $0... me opens his hands and releases the energy at $0 say Zot!!! /kick $C $0 $pk me loves the smell of burnt flesh. HaHaHa } alias sk53 { me approaches $0's swaying body. me takes hold of $0's neck. me removes $0's head and spine from it's body. say Rrrrrriiiiiiipppp!!! me turns $0's head to show $0 the lifeless body. /kick $C $0 $pk me proclaims $0's body has been relieved of a useless member. HaHaHa } alias sk54 { me removes his mask revealing his skull. me lets forth a stream of fire upon $0's swaying body. say $0 is engulfed by hellish flames. say *Fwosh* /kick $C $0 $pk me proclaims "I love the smell of a fresh barbeque." HaHaHa } alias sk55 { me approaches $0's fear paralyzed body. me thrusts his hand into $0's chest. say $0's rib cage is seperated. say C-rrrrrraaaaaaaa-KK me withdraws the still beating heart and shows it to $0. /kick $C $0 $pk say Here $0, have a heart. HaHaHa } alias sk56 { @old_nick=[$N] nick _Sonya_ WAIT me gazes upon your quaking body. me undress you with her eyes and moves her hand to her lips. me blows you a kiss which takes the shape of a flaming ball. say $0's body is consumed by the "Flames of Lust." /kick $C $0 $pk say I lose more good lovers that way. HeHeHe nick $old_nick } alias sk57 { me after executing a devastating flying kick, $0's body sways. me approaches $0 and glances at his target. me hurls himself through the air, cartwheeling towards $0. me swings his harm and makes shattering contact with $0's jaw. say Crrrrruuuunnnn-ch /kick $C $0 $pk say K.O. Liu Kang. HaHaHa } alias sk58 { me looks into $0's eyes. me approaches $0 with lightning speed. me pauses to look one last time at $0 panic stricken face. say THOCK me punches $0 head from $0's neck with inhuman strength. /kick $C $0 $pk say $0 has lost their head. HaHaHa } alias sk59 { me puts on his black hood. me escorts $0 to the guillotine. say Any final requests before the blade drops? say No ? Good! //kick $C $0 $pk say -CHOP!- } alias sk60 { me spits out a wad of chewing tobacco say *pbpbth* say Listen $0, we don't like yer kind around here... say so git on out er we'll throw yuh out! //kick $C $0 $pk say GIT OUT !! } /ALIAS SK61 me decides to get REALLY liquored up!;me grabs a shotgun and takes pot shots at passing clouds.;me is waaayyyy too drunk, though, and starts taking out other objects in his vicinity.;kick $C $0 Blam! Blam! Blam! Whoops! Oh well...Blam! /ALIAS SK62 me grabs $0 by his little dick.;me pulls hard and swings $0 around the channel.;me swings faster until $0 's dick snaps off.;me watches as $0 flies off the channel.;/kick $C $0 Forgot your mushroom cap! /ALIAS SK63 me and $0 are waiting at the bus stop.;me watches as the bus approaches...;me nudges $0 out into traffic before the bus can stop.;/kick $C $0 You gonna eat this lunch? /ALIAS SK64 { me hates violence.;me hates violent people, too.;me thinks that $0 is too violent.;me grabs $0 by the neck and lifts $0 off the ground.;me shoves his fist through $0 's midsection. me head-butts his surprised face before dropping $0 to the floor.;/kick $C $0 I'm a nice guy, really. } /ALIAS SK65 { me decides to build a fire.;me takes the first dead wood he sees and throws $0 in the pit.;me covers $0 with gasoline and strikes a match.;me doesn't seem to hear $0 squealing like a pig for mercy as he drops the match. /kick $C $0 Poof! Hmm... Charbroil! My favorite! } /ALIAS SK66 me looks bored.;me decides to interest himself by mangling $0.;me shoves his fist into $0 's chest and pulls out a handful of capillaries.;me begins knitting a sweater.;/kick $C $0 Knit One, Pearl Two.... alias sk67 { me takes out a bloodstained axe and acquires an evil grin say >:)=) me lifts the axe high above $0's head... //kick $C $0 $pk say C*H*O*P*! - Heh heh heh! } /ALIAS sk68 me suggests that $0 do his Kurt Cobain impression.;me watches as $0 props a shotgun to his mouth and blows his brains out.;me waits for three days before an electrician finds $0 and throws him out.;/kick $C $0 That's not teen spirit you smell..... /ALIAS sk69 me wonders how well $0 would work as a conductor.;me ties $0 to the base of a lightning rod.;me is pleased as a storm starts brewing and lightning strikes the rod.;me takes notes as $0 's nervous system becomes a superconductor.;/kick $C $0 For the good of science, not you. /ALIAS sk70 me wonders where $0 really came from.;me does a smathering of research, only to discover that the best part of $0 ran down some whore's leg.;/kick $C $0 We can always try again later, honey. /ALIAS sk71 me thinks $0 whines too much.;me thinks $0 does more whining than Gallo.;me suggests $0 go visit California to be with the other cheap whines.;/kick $C $0 I hate whine... /ALIAS sk72 me smells something terrible.;me figures out that it's $0 who smells like a dead elephant on a hot summer's day.;me decides to send $0 to the cleaners.;/kick $C $0 Put it on my tab. /ALIAS sk73 me watches too much Mr. Wizard.;me decides to try an experiment.;say Now $0 you hold this putty, while I hook up these wires....;me feigns shock as $0 's ass is blown into next week.;/kick $C $0 For my next experiment.... /ALIAS sk74 me has always been fascinated by Don Herbert.;me wants to try an experiment with $0.;me wants to monitor the brain levels of a moron.;me frowns at the results.;/kick $C $0 What was I thinking? Need a brain first. /ALIAS sk75 me tries to find where $0 beings and where $0 ends.;me notices the circle that $0 's body makes from neck, to ass, to neck again.;me has never seen a life-form on this low of the food chain.;/kick $C $0 T'was a mercy killing. /ALIAS sk76 me looks over and sees $0 desperately trying to bend far enough to suck himself off.;me wonders why no one else has kicked him for such pathetic behavior.;me notices that no one else is paying attention to him.;/kick $C $0 Try #jack-off! alias sk77 { //me waves an ancient druid sceptre over $0 //me chants "KLATU! VERATTA! NIKTU!" //me waits as nothing happens //me says "Fuck this" and busts the sceptre up $0's ass //kick * $0 That's GOTTA hurt! } alias sk78 { //me follows $0 to a party one night.... //me waits until $0 goes inside and then breaks into his car.... //me exchanges $0's MegaDeth CD with the new Enigma CD /say Later that night, $0 decides to crank some tunes on his drive home... /say $0 falls asleep at the wheel and plows into an Exxon Truck.... //kick * $0 BOOM! } alias sk79 { //me kicks $0 through a time warp.... /say $0 lands at the Jim Jones incident.... /say Jim Jones says "Hey $0! How about some PurpleSaurus Rex Kool Aid?" /say $0 chugs a pitcher and says "damn, why is this stuff so good?" /say Jim Jones says, "Well $0, it's either the nutrasweet or the cynanide!" //kick * $0 DOH! } alias sk80 { //me shows $0 a broomstick and some KY..... /say Suddenly some cheap 70's porno film music comes on [BOOMP-CHICKA-BOOMP-BOWWWWW!] /say $0 decides he'd prefer not to take chances and runs like fuck.... //kick * $0 And don't let the door hit ya on the way out! } alias sk81 { //me jumps through a time warp that has somehow manifested in his garage... //me notices a bird fly by... //me steps on a worm that the bird _should_ have gotten... /say The bird sees an old man sitting on a rock next to the tree where his nest is. /say The bird pecks the old man to death. /say It just turns out that the old man is one of $0's ancestors... /say Upon this paradox of the space/time continium, $0 pops out of existence... //kick * $0 POOF! } EVAL /echo $ex PKICKS.IRC is now loaded.